OMG who would have thought that pretty really hurts?! Can you believe that I am finding trouble landing a job because I am cute. I mean what the fudge yo! Who does that!?!
So here’s the story….
Earlier on my podcast I talked about getting a job so that I could support my passions. I went to college did the American dream thing and after awhile I was bored. I hated being in a cubicle all day. I wanted to get out and help people. You know really make a difference in the world.
So I dropped my nuts and decided to quit my job and pursue writing. As life would have it things got a lil wild. I ended up losing everything. My house, my car, my man, and anything else material that I could actually hold on to. It was a nightmare to say the least.
Now here I am 5 years later still trying to figure out this thing called life. I stepped out on faith to walk on water and now I’m looking around like okay Lord what now?! I read and listened to plenty of sermons that said “where God guides he provides”. Basically saying that if he wants you to go somewhere he will make a way.
Well I know that to be true. It’s not where I would have taken myself, but hey at the end of the day my food, shelter, and transportation is provided. But I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that my bank balance is not up to par.
I began to doubt myself and say “you know maybe I should get a real job” or at least a part-time job, but I believe in my heart that God is going to open a different door. I believe that somehow someway a blessing is going to come out of the blue that allows me to live my life to the fullest.
A life that allows me to travel the world and the 7 seas. I want to know what’s out there. I want to see his creation. I want to feel the wind beneath my wings.
I thought about my life logically and said “well you know what you need some type of income you need a job or something”. So I applied at this really fancy clothing store. I used to sell Coach purses so I’m accustomed to looking prim and proper. However, this experience would give me a run for my money.
I went to the department store following my interview request via email. I was dressed with my blazer and heels on looking like money. When I walked in people were treating me like “I was somebody”. Until they found out I was just there for an interview.
It seemed pretty cool at first because I saw some diverse faces, but the more I looked around I saw more and more black women. My soul said “oh ohhhh” or in my Beyonce voice “uhoh uhoh uhoh… uhoh.. ohhh nonono” as the manager came to walk me to the back. She was a snazzy dressed older black woman. I was feeling her style and she was feeling mine. She even said that when she first got hired she was dressed similar to me. We laughed at our inside jokes as she brought me to the back to meet the hiring manager.
As soon as I saw her, I knew what my fate was going to be. The first thing out of her mouth was “You are soo pretty”. Then throughout the interview she would randomly say that again. I knew from one sister to another that me being pretty and having a college degree wasn’t going to sit well with her.
I was disheartened, but I figured I’m here now may as well get through it. When my ride came to get me and asked me how the interview went I just grunted. I couldn’t bring myself to say “I don’t think that they are going to hire me because of the way that I look”. To me that sounded to far fetched, conceited or something to even say out of my mouth something that sounded so absurd. But in my heart I knew it to be true. I knew that it was a no for me.
As the days passed by I couldn’t sleep to good and my stomach was nauseous as I awaited my callback day hoping that I would be proved wrong. Friday finally came and I received no response. I waited until earlier the next week to send a follow up email and a couple of days later I was sent that dreadful email saying although impressed with your background we have extended the offer to another candidate.
I knew it. I knew that this would happen. It made me sad. It brought back emotions and unwanted feelings of dealing with my family, who is jealous of me as well. My own family would rather see me on the streets then to help me all because they are afraid of who I may grow up to be. It sounds so far fetched, but I know it to be true.
Like Joseph in the scriptures I too had a huge dream as a child of who I would grow to be. I never told anyone because I didn’t want what happened to Joseph to happen to me. But something about me couldn’t be hidden. They say the devil knows who you are even before you do.
Like Joseph my family through me in a bind. There I’ve been for the past 4 1/2 years almost five fighting for my life. I couldn’t believe what I was witnessing. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. They left me out to die. Stranded in the middle of nowhere. Homeless sleeping on the street. Then they kept going. Like it never happened.
Thankfully God shined a light on me and brought me to a somewhat safe place. A place where I can at least take a hot shower, eat a decent meal, and have a comfortable place to lay my head at night. When I wake up I just stare at the ceiling in disbelief like “where am I???” “I’m really here!!!” “I’m really in the middle of the ocean floating. With no life vest”.
I try not to think about what I left or where I came from because it’s a terrible feeling of awful memories. I try to think of the good times, but they are only surrounded by hate and jealousy. I even remember someone very dear to me trying to hit me with her car because she was so jealous of me.
It breaks my heart.
How can my own family be so cruel? How can my own family abandon me? Where do I go that is truly safe? What is the purpose and meaning for all of this? I continue to hope for the best, but it’s almost painful to do. I just wake up everyday dust myself off and say “okay…lets do this”.
I can’t let them see me sweat, I can’t keep crying over spilled milk, and I can’t let the no’s depress me or discourage me from finding that one YES that can change my life forever. It’s really hard being me at times. Sometimes I just wish I had it in me to live a “normal” life. But I can’t…
See..It’s the light of the sea… It calls me!!!
And know one knowwwss how far it goesss!!!
See the line where the sky meets the sea…it calls me!!! And know one knowsss how far it goesss…
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me…One day I’ll knowwww how far I’ll goooo!!!