I can’t. I don’t want to. I’m not here for it. ……….Let’s start there.
So it has occured to me that being crazy in love is not cool to me, AT ALL. I must admit I use to think it was cute. I thought that when people loved you madly that it showed their emotions for you and that they really cared. Now I am starting to see that it actually shows how emotionally unstable they are and how they can even try to drag you down with them. They do say “misery loves company”.
No longer will I accept this kind of love in my life. I have been in an on again off again relationship for so long and it finally hit me that this is not what I want for my life. I do not want to guess if you love me. I do not want to have to feel as though I have to compete for your attention. I do not want to be confused about our relationship status and how you truly feel about me.
I WANNA KNOW.
It’s time for people to show and tell. Don’t just say you love someone, prove it to them. Show them that you love them AND tell them that you love them too. People NEED POSITIVE FLUENT COMMUNICATION. Like a plant thirsty for water are we as people thirsty for love. Just like a plant without water we wither away without love. Water is the KEY ingredient to the plants life just like LOVE is the key ingredient in ours.
Communication quenches the throat of both men and women. Without communication a relationship inevitably dies. Too often men go into silence hoping that the woman he loves will just “read his mind”, meanwhile the woman dies thirsty for his attention. Then on the flipside a woman too often over talks her man never HEARING what he is trying to say or reveal to them through his own way of communication. But no matter which way you prefer to talk a person needs to hear and see the words I love you in order to grow.
Take some time to sit back and think of how you would want someone to date your child. What standards would you hold him or her to? What expectations would you have of them? What would you sign off on? What would be enough for you to be willing to give your child’s hand away to them in marriage? Whatever those answers are then you should first be the example.
I was fortunate enough to see this done to perfection once. I watched a father pour his heart and soul into his daughter. She didn’t want for nothing. Anything she asked for (within reason) he provided. Whenever she needed anything or was in trouble she knew she could call on him and he would do anything in his power to see her smile. Her father would even sacrifice his life for her.
I was in awe as I watched the relationship between the two of them flow. I was so happy for her because she was able to have something that I could only wish for, for my children. My father died when I was young, but before he died he basically abandoned his family to chase his own dreams. I don’t blame him tho because it be like that sometimes, but as a daughter it left me feeling unprotected and deserted.
I watched how my friend’s relationship with her father caused her to flourish beautifully into womanhood. She even stayed a virgin until she got married in her late 20s. To me she was like a unicorn. Blessed to have a father in her life that loved her and proved it through his words and actions. I knew that if I ever had a child that I would want my daughter and her father to have to have a relationship as beautiful as theirs.
I came from an abusive father who was crazy in love with my mother. He was not afraid to beat her in front of me or in front of a crowd. I even remember how he broke her ribs while she was pregnant with my brother. I ran to hug her and I couldn’t touch her because she was in so much pain. Even at that age I didn’t know what love was, but I knew that whatever situation we were in I didn’t want that for myself.
Growing into womanhood I saw myself inevitably attracting those same type of men in my life. Men who seemed to stubborn to love me completely, but too selfish to allow someone else to love me. It’s like they wanted to keep me in the corner pocket, while they lived the life they wanted to, with whoever they wanted, whenever they wanted. Yet when I was over it and wanted to move on it was a problem.
Leaving me hiding from exes that would give anything to be back in my presence. Hiding from exes that want my love only to boost their self-esteem and confidence so that they can then run and give it to another. Plus hiding from exes that refuse to accept that we are over and move on with their lives. That is not love at all that is narcotic. Using me to get high on like a drug. Abusing me like people who abuse drugs; unwilling to control their bad habits instead they would rather overdose on them then to seek treatment.
This time I’m saying no! No more will I allow myself to seek gratification through this crazy love game. No longer will I find contentment in knowing that somewhere in my significant other’s cold heart there is a warm spot for me. No longer will I allow just anyone to get high off of my supply.
When I think about it maybe all of that crazy love was making me crazy too. They say you attract what you are at the time. Maybe broken people attract other broken people. Maybe I attracted and catered to others because I knew what it felt like to be in their shoes and I didn’t want anyone to feel the pain that I felt. Maybe I wanted to see them happy because I knew how it felt to be so unhappy. Forgetting they are adults and are responsible for their own health and wellbeing.
Maybe healing the sick was what I was really called to do. The problem with healing others is that it leaves you feeling depleted. It takes so much strength out of your own body. I guess that is why Jesus knew when someone was healed because of the virtue that left his body. Like when the lady with the issue of blood touched him and was healed of her infirmities. ~ Luke 8:43-48.
In conclusion, for me it is important now to choose a spouse who is loving, gentle, peaceful, tender and unafraid to show and tell me that he loves me. I want a man who will scream from the mountain tops that he is in love with me and only me. That I am the only woman that he desires. I want him to be a one woman man. A great father. A consistent lover. A man of virtue. A man who will put his family before himself. One who will love his wife the way Christ loved the church and be willing to die for her. A man that will leave his father and mother to be one with me.
That’s the kind of love that I want. The kind of love that will save me and rescue me from harm. A love that is all encompassing. A love where I won’t have to look to another to supply my needs. HE WILL BE ENOUGH.
That is what my heart desires.
No longer do I want that crazy type of love. When it comes to distorted, inconsistent, unemotional, dry, and harsh relationships. You can keep that crazy love somewhere else…I’ll pass.
I’m not here for it. I don’t want it. I don’t need it. The End